Love letters

Kade has been enjoying our Church's Holiday Bible Club this week and yesterday they were invited to write a letter to someone. This is my "Love Letter" from my son. It reads.....

Mom you my favourite Mom in my heart.

I really love you a lot.

I am really happy it you my Mom.

Now isn't that enough to just make your heart turn to mush and your knees go weak?

Above all else

I've sat here a few times in the last week trying to find words to express the way I've been feeling lately and, well, it's been a little too hard. The truth is, the horrible truth, is that my marriage is in serious trouble. I find it really hard to accept that after almost 20 years together it has come to this. One would think that if you have made it this far as a couple then it should be smooth sailing from here on, after all, what more could you go through that hasn't already been tried and tested and boy have we been tried and tested. We always came out on top, but some how, this time it isn't as easy.

I am not going to blame him or accuse him, he has his faults but I am not going to fool anyone by proclaiming to be the perfect wife either, if anything, after reading my posts, you have come to realise that most of me is just downright balmy, intense, anal and at times probably rather annoying. Perhaps those parts of me have become to much for him. Perhaps unconditional love develops conditions and the person you believed to have loved all this time becomes nothing more than an irritation, a burden, who knows.

There are things in my life which I choose not to discuss, perhaps an entry on post secrets would reveal my sadness and pain and rid of it in a web of peoples lies, deceits and deep dark secrets, where it can anonymously slip out of my life and into oblivion. I have no friends to share my pain, this blog is my outlet, my diary, my best friend albeit a quiet, unresponsive, gossip that tells everyone everything, just like people do anyway.

I'm not asking for sympathy, God knows I've contributed to the problems too, I only hope and pray that we can get through this and manage at least convince him that we are worth fighting for.

Missed and never forgotten

My Dearest Brother Grant who would have celebrated his 30th Birthday today. We love you still and miss you more than ever. Until we meet again.

Grant Andrews 23.06.1978 - 09.08.1999
This was the very last photograph I took of my brother 2 months before he died.

Celebrate good times

We all had a great weekend of celebrating. Madam Fluff was so very excited about Father's Day, she could hardly contain herself and I had to practically muzzle her each time she almost let slip what Daddy was getting for Father's Day. It was actually very cute and it was easy enough to forgive her because I remember being just as bad at keeping surprises as a child; I have, thankfully, improved with age. Poor hubby has his birthday in June too so Father's Day gifts are usually home made cards and gadgets (I think Bug finished all the glue) and the ever faithful socks, jocks, biltong and chocolates which the kids pounced on him with gusto before both his eyes are open. Unfortunately it was a bit of a miserable day outside so we chose to spend the day indoors cooking and watching DVD's.

Monday was my turn to get pounced on before I had opened my eyes. The mixed matched melody of Happy Birthday ringing in my ears and prezzies thrown unsuspectingly onto my half asleep body, brought on day two of the celebrations. The kids had a blast ripping open my presents to show me what they had all bought and we spent another relaxing day together.

Madam Fluff sought every opportunity at the restaurant we went to for lunch to tell every person within earshot that not only was it her Mom's birthday but...hello...."My Mom is 34 years old today!" Where was that muzzle, I didn't find myself as forgiving for this outburst. Fluff and Kade then told Daddy to instruct the waiter to sing happy birthday to me, to which I duly warned loving Hubby that any sparkler detected within a 5m radius would be unceremoniously shoved up his nostril, needless to say, there was no singing at the restaurant! Oh well, I suspect we all need a lesson in learning to grow old gracefully and sooner is better than later!

My Purple Hero.

Some mornings the kids wake up at sparrow fart and I allow them to watch T.V until breakfast is ready. The conversation that followed:

Madam Fluff. "Mom, you know, Barney is really silly."

Me. "Oh really, what makes you say that?"

Madam Fluff, with a sceptical laugh. "Barney says cleaning up is fun. Isn't he just so silly?"

For one of the first times in my life I supported and defended the famous Purple Dinosaur's argument. I just simply had to get my two cents in while I had the backing of a (I'm wondering if after this "ridiculously silly" comment, is any longer) child's role model.

Go Barney! I love you today! "I love you, you love me....La la la la la la la........won't you say you love me too."

The Two Wolves

Something just inspired me to add this in.....

The Two Wolves

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said "My son, the battle is between two "wolves" inside us all....

One is Evil; It is anger, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego.

One is Good; It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."

The grandson thought about this for a minute and then asked his Grandfather: "Which wolf wins?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

.........Probably because it made me realise that all this time, I having been "feeding" the wrong beast!

Stuff about me.

1. I am the eldest child and only girl.
2. I married my High School Sweetheart, Mark. We have been together for almost 20 years and married for 8 of them.
3. We have three children, a precious yet complicated trio of different personalities.
4. I have had three miscarriages.
5. My ambitions as a child was to either be a teacher or a spy. I am neither.
6. As a child, Princess Diana was my best friend, I adored her, we "chatted" all the time, funny though, I did all the talking!
7. I was a rebellious teenager.
8. I have never taken drugs. Oops, there was that ONE puff of a joint when I was 23, that's all.
9. I spent almost a year in boarding school when I was in Gr. 6. I hated it.
10. I LOVE puddings, forget cake, give me pudding, warm, tummy warming pudding with cream.
11. My hubby and I were born at the same hospital, almost exactly one year apart.
12. I enjoy taking photographs. I am still mastering the art.
13. I enjoy crafts.
14. I put on 30kg's when pregnant with my first child. When he was born I lost 12kg's. I still haven't lost the other 18kg's.
15. I developed pre-eclampsia during my first pregnancy and had to have an emergency C-Section delivery when I was 35 weeks pregnant.
16. My brother, Grant, was killed in a car crash on Woman's Day 1999, two months after he celebrated his 21st birthday.
17. I had my gall bladder removed when I was 19.
18. I love lindt chocolate.
19. I failed matric. I repeated the year and passed the second time.
20. My husband and I shared the most romantic honeymoon in Mauritius.
21. My father was imprisoned for his role in the 1981 Seychelles coup attempt.
22. Losing my family is my greatest fear.
23. I love surprises, giving them and getting them.
24. Manipulative people infuriate me.
25. I know I was born to be rich. and thin.
26. I don't do windows. I hate housework.
27. Summer is my favourite season. Winter provides my favourite foods.
28. In an attempt to be thin and at the same time not deprive myself of food, I tried bingeing and purging.
29. Re. #28. I realised I hate vomiting.
30. My best day ever was my wedding day.