Stuff about me.

1. I am the eldest child and only girl.
2. I married my High School Sweetheart, Mark. We have been together for almost 20 years and married for 8 of them.
3. We have three children, a precious yet complicated trio of different personalities.
4. I have had three miscarriages.
5. My ambitions as a child was to either be a teacher or a spy. I am neither.
6. As a child, Princess Diana was my best friend, I adored her, we "chatted" all the time, funny though, I did all the talking!
7. I was a rebellious teenager.
8. I have never taken drugs. Oops, there was that ONE puff of a joint when I was 23, that's all.
9. I spent almost a year in boarding school when I was in Gr. 6. I hated it.
10. I LOVE puddings, forget cake, give me pudding, warm, tummy warming pudding with cream.
11. My hubby and I were born at the same hospital, almost exactly one year apart.
12. I enjoy taking photographs. I am still mastering the art.
13. I enjoy crafts.
14. I put on 30kg's when pregnant with my first child. When he was born I lost 12kg's. I still haven't lost the other 18kg's.
15. I developed pre-eclampsia during my first pregnancy and had to have an emergency C-Section delivery when I was 35 weeks pregnant.
16. My brother, Grant, was killed in a car crash on Woman's Day 1999, two months after he celebrated his 21st birthday.
17. I had my gall bladder removed when I was 19.
18. I love lindt chocolate.
19. I failed matric. I repeated the year and passed the second time.
20. My husband and I shared the most romantic honeymoon in Mauritius.
21. My father was imprisoned for his role in the 1981 Seychelles coup attempt.
22. Losing my family is my greatest fear.
23. I love surprises, giving them and getting them.
24. Manipulative people infuriate me.
25. I know I was born to be rich. and thin.
26. I don't do windows. I hate housework.
27. Summer is my favourite season. Winter provides my favourite foods.
28. In an attempt to be thin and at the same time not deprive myself of food, I tried bingeing and purging.
29. Re. #28. I realised I hate vomiting.
30. My best day ever was my wedding day.

It's raining, It's pouring

I guess this blog is one of the many things I have neglected over the course of the last week or so. You know the saying, it doesn't rain, it pours, well my life has, well, been pouring.

I'm trying to find one significant thing to write about but in truth the whole week has been one big significant conglomerate of happenings all of which do and don't lead up to this weekend and all of which have to be completed by this weekend. It's Snuggle Bug's birthday coming up and this is one of the times of the year that the family make their exodus from all over the country to.... my house.

Time wise it is the worst time, but memory wise, the best and to make those memories extra special, I have, of course, gone completely overboard and brought the world and a few neighbouring planets (thanks to school events) upon my shoulders. I am very excited about the weekend, as a belated Mother's Day gift, we have planned something extra special for the two grannies, two great grannies and a great aunt that have made a special effort to be here to share my Bug's birthday. More about that next week, not letting any cats out of any bags just yet (so Ma, if you're watching, sorry, you'll just have to wait and see!)

My four day chaos weekend;

• Sorting out details for Bug's party on Monday, with cakes and party packs for 25 children.
• Pulling a few strings and finalising the "Big Secret"......"Big Job" I can tell you.
• Preparing all the trimmings for the Sunday family get together here on Sunday with a full buffet, roasted and curry lunch, with cake, deserts and, and, and....lots of wine for me!
• Fetching and shuttling everybody from the airport and squeezing in their little shopping trips, coffee dates, chatting and catching up.
• My Granny is very frail and needs regular medi care and blood test at the local pathologist to check her blood and medication requirements. (her medication is adjusted according to her blood count)
• Madam fluff has cake sale today and guess who's class' turn it is to bring cake?...yup...you guessed it...her class.....send 50 baked goodies to school for cake sale.
• Helped Kade prepare for his school project due today. Technology week, learn about sunglasses and how they are made, design your own pair and bring materials to school to make your specs in class.
• Then there's the usual day to day must dos like waking up, getting everyone off to school, doing some admin, cleaning up the house, homework, after school activities....blah blah blah....you get the idea.

Please forgive me if you feel neglected, I know, you have been. I have been. The coffee has lost it's magic and I'm slowing dropping gears as my body becomes immune to the effects of the caffeine. But I promise I'll be back.....with all the news of the weekend........

One or the Other

After waiting for an agonizing week, my father finally called me. (boy! did I get a crash course lesson in patience!!) It was surreal to say the least, I was speaking to a man I haven't spoken to for 13 years. At one point, it felt as though time hadn't passed at all, he babbled on about some things completely insignificant, which I put down to nervousness and a desire on his part to evade any complicated questions; like one in particular; where the hell have you been all my life and why haven't you appeared to have given much of a toss about me? To ease his discomfort, I let him babble on until he seemed to calm a bit and the babbling stopped. In my 15 minutes of fame, he had learned that his only daughter was now, not only married, but had three little kiddies in tow. I know for a fact, that some of our parents find being called Gran or Grandpa for the first time like swallowing their dentures sideways, so the poor old man had to deal with the fact that I had not one, but three mini me's.

I must admit, it was a little less awesome as I had expected. The conversation passed by without a big bang and afterwards I was left gazing at my cell phone, asking it "Is that it?", 13 years later and that was it; no fireworks, no crying, no spectacular rush of emotion. OK. That was it.

Excited nonetheless, I called my mother to give her the good news; well, as it turned out, it wasn't good news. Frankly she was, how can I put it gently? Pissed as hell. I am still completely taken aback by her reaction.

There is an event coming up which would require both of them to be at the same place at the same time and my mother is livid; as I recall the words used to describe me at that moment were; selfish, inconsiderate, unfeeling and self centred, to name but a few. Without being able to go into too much detail about this "event", it is something that would (I ardently believe) benefit the future of my children, which is of course my top priority.

It has been made monumentally clear that her feelings take precedent over my children's well being. Now, being the ever protective mother that I am, I am finding this a little difficult to grasp. Why do I have to choose between my children and my mother, is there a choice? Can there ever be without question a choice between them? Perhaps I am, one or all of the fanciful and glorified names above, but don't ever ask me to choose between anyone on this earth and my kids.

So, the first conversation I have had with my father in years had been dampened slightly, not completely though; I found him, finally, nothing can change that warm fuzzy feeling, hopefully not even the queasy, sick to my stomach feeling that has settled itself just underneath it.

Patience is a virtue I do not have

I haven't been able to focus on too much at the moment, I am still trying to come to grips with my soap opera style life that is playing out before me. The only problem with this script is that future episodes are being kept well under wraps and I am taking a little strain amid all the excitement and uncertainty. *John called me back today and I was pleased to at least hear that I have been ruled out as a psycho stalker. He is meeting with our Father this weekend to discuss the details of *me*. I must admit it still concerns me that I may have caused a bit of an upset in what he considered to be his average every day life. It appears that his curiosity of me is as heightened as mine is of him and it irks me slightly that we live in two different cities miles and miles apart.

Truth be told and for those of you who know me, this may come as no surprise; patience is not a virtue that I have been blessed with and having to wait until after the weekend for any news is like suffering a slow death. I have two fears; the first was that he may have passed on (the old man is no longer a spring chicken), thankfully I know now, that is not so and my second fear is my greatest fear; his rejection. I am not sure how I would cope with that. It has taken me so long to finally get this close to having contact with him that to go through all this and have him not want to know me or meet his grandchildren would cut me to the core.

Why do I bother? I am not sure. Why haven't I just forgotten about the person who appears (in my opinion) to have forgotten about me? I don't know. Why am I putting myself through this? I really cannot say. It is just something I have to do, get it over with and out of my system, no matter what the outcome. I fantasize what the outcome may be; the happy reunion, the smiles, the hugs, the I've-waited-so-long-to-see-you-again-my-lost-child, his acceptance, his love. In truth, reality tends to turn on unsuspecting souls and bite like a rabid bitch so I'm trying to teach myself to hope and pray for the best but to possibly expect the worst, that way hopefully the outcome won't end up too disappointing.

*Name has been changed to protect the innocent.

This is your Sister speaking

I have been thinking a lot of my father lately, I have never had much contact with him in my life, yet I have this yearning to want to have him a part of it for some reason. It may have something to do with the fact that I am now married with children, which he doesn't know yet. It is an urge I have never been able to let go. I have spent a better part of the last 10 years trying to find him.

I have always known that my father had another child with a woman he had dated after he and my mother went their separate ways. For some inexplicable reason while aimlessly tapping away on Facebook this morning, I typed in his name........There he was

The brother I have always known I have, but have never laid eyes on or met. By chance his profile is accessible and I am able to peek into his life and curiosity gets the better of me when I notice a work address and phone number........
I spent the next two hours wondering what to do with this new found information. This is the closest I have been to finding my father in years; I panic. Fear grips me, what do I say?

I pluck up the courage to call a few hours later.........
me "Hello, is this so-n-so?"
him "Yes, speaking"
me "My, name is Tanya, I am "fathers name" daughter"
him "Who's daughter?"
me "Father's name"
him "Oh really, well that would make you my sister, wouldn't it?"
me "I guess it does"
him to friends in the background..."hey guys, hows this for a mind f*#k, I just found out I got a sister!"

I'm confused, he didn't know about me? how could he not know about me?

I have ended up gripped with anticipation and a little resentment.
Anticipation; waiting to hear back from them, it appears my father is still alive and well. New Brother is going to discuss "this" with our father, give him my number (probably make sure I am not a physco stalker) and he or they will call me back.
Resentment; the poor guy seemed completely taken aback and while I have known my entire life that he existed, clearly this was not the case on his end. He didn't have a clue. I felt a little guilty; I mean face it, I called some poor unsuspecting soul out of the blue with a "hey bro this is your sister, can I have Daddy's phone number please". Thirty two years into his life he finds out that he has a sibling. Why didn't he know about me? Is my Father ashamed that I exist? I am not sure what to make of it.

New brother was extremely sweet on the phone considering the circumstances and the news he'd just be dealt with. "I am not sure if you have made my day or ruined it." He told me.

We will have to wait and see. Only time will tell if I did the best or most idiotic thing of my life today.