Progress, We are making total progress and I am completely chuffed with myself. I managed to; wait for it; have a completely unplanned day and to top it all off, it was great.
Hubby, is sadly, still away and in a desperate attempt to find some moral, spiritual, any kind of back up, I found myself on route to round up the troops or shall I say troop in the form of the ever reliable last-minute-I-cannot cope-without-you, my mother. Love you MOM.
While stopped at the Mall to deliver keys to my brother, we scouted for somewhere to have lunch. PIZZA, PIZZA they pleaded. I tried to convince them that a cleverly disguised cucumber stick, rosa tomato and grilled chicken "spider burger" from Kuaui would be way cooler; they were not convinced....PIZZA! Oh what the heck, lets go get Pizza. On route to the Pizza place we passed by the Cinema (I had forgotten these places even existed!!!). This is territory that I never dare to tread; this is Daddy's territory. Daddy is the movie taker. He doesn't really get to spend much time at home and this is HIS treat with the kids. Taking the children to a movie felt a little like I was staging a Cinema Coup and invading some territorial space that was a no-go zone for the Mother, I felt a little guilty, like I was taking quality time away from Daddy. The puppy dog faces became too much to bear and once again I succumbed and off we went to the movies after the pizza.
I Highly recommend the new Dr. Seuss movie, thoroughly enjoyed it, a real riot. Good thing the kids loved it too.
Once we had reached home, it hit me!! We had a totally awesome day and it was completely unplanned.....YAY ME....clap clap clap.....(yeah I know I watch far too much Disney Channel, go figure!).
Friday, 28 March 2008
Thursday, 27 March 2008
Getting over it
They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
Does it? Or in some cases, does it make the bitter old men and women that end up alone, bitchy and spiting everything and everyone; lashing out, to inflict the same kind of pain and hurt on others that they believe they have endured, and in so doing, attempt to use their attacks as a window to their dark and unhappy souls. There are people out there who are hurting deeply, who have been dealt raw deals in the deck of life and that have never been able to recover from it. I have learned to find empathy for these lost souls.
A happening in one person's life, that may insignificantly pass by without a second thought, may make a Crater of an impact to anothers' soul and very being. It is all about being uniquely you, I suppose.
I have suffered a "death" in my life or less dramatically, an ending. I find myself in a state of mourning, regret, wondering what I could have done to make things have turned out differently. The trouble with reflection, is that often we dwell on these regrets too much and it begins to cast that dark shadow of bitterness over our hearts. At what point do we "get over it"? and why is it that some people just can't?
I thought I could just get over it, move on, get a life and stop being so self-pity-ish. Right now, I can't. A part of me, as the result of this "loss", will actually never be the same again. I came to the realisation today that this is going to be with me for the rest of my life and I am going to be constantly reminded of the sacrifices and choices I made that led me to this result. One can always try and pass the buck or play the blame game and believe me I have tried to locate that dodgy little scapegoat. I yearn for a reason to make my misery something or someone else's fault, so that I have something or someone else to lash out at; yet alas, not only do I have to live with my "loss", I have to learn to live with the knowledge that at the end of the day, I did have a choice somewhere along the way and I chose to sacrifice myself, make myself a "martyr", a superwoman, to ensure the well being (or so I believed) of my family.
It is taking longer than I thought to leave my grieving period behind me and move on to the next stage in the process, to hopefully find the acceptance I need to deal with it. I pray that it does not consume me, take over my life and result in *me* becoming that bitchy old lady that finds herself all alone in the world.
I'm going to go and eat some worms now.
Does it? Or in some cases, does it make the bitter old men and women that end up alone, bitchy and spiting everything and everyone; lashing out, to inflict the same kind of pain and hurt on others that they believe they have endured, and in so doing, attempt to use their attacks as a window to their dark and unhappy souls. There are people out there who are hurting deeply, who have been dealt raw deals in the deck of life and that have never been able to recover from it. I have learned to find empathy for these lost souls.
A happening in one person's life, that may insignificantly pass by without a second thought, may make a Crater of an impact to anothers' soul and very being. It is all about being uniquely you, I suppose.
I have suffered a "death" in my life or less dramatically, an ending. I find myself in a state of mourning, regret, wondering what I could have done to make things have turned out differently. The trouble with reflection, is that often we dwell on these regrets too much and it begins to cast that dark shadow of bitterness over our hearts. At what point do we "get over it"? and why is it that some people just can't?
I thought I could just get over it, move on, get a life and stop being so self-pity-ish. Right now, I can't. A part of me, as the result of this "loss", will actually never be the same again. I came to the realisation today that this is going to be with me for the rest of my life and I am going to be constantly reminded of the sacrifices and choices I made that led me to this result. One can always try and pass the buck or play the blame game and believe me I have tried to locate that dodgy little scapegoat. I yearn for a reason to make my misery something or someone else's fault, so that I have something or someone else to lash out at; yet alas, not only do I have to live with my "loss", I have to learn to live with the knowledge that at the end of the day, I did have a choice somewhere along the way and I chose to sacrifice myself, make myself a "martyr", a superwoman, to ensure the well being (or so I believed) of my family.
It is taking longer than I thought to leave my grieving period behind me and move on to the next stage in the process, to hopefully find the acceptance I need to deal with it. I pray that it does not consume me, take over my life and result in *me* becoming that bitchy old lady that finds herself all alone in the world.
I'm going to go and eat some worms now.
Wednesday, 26 March 2008
Savouring the moment
We did the beach thing again today, mostly due to my complete lack of imagination at holiday entertaining I guess. Perhaps it has something to do with wanting to suck up the last few warm rays of sunshine that we have during the day, as the nights begin to forewarn of the impending winter.
What struck me the most today, is how children have the unique ability to savour something so simple yet pleasurable, like an ice cream.
What struck me the most today, is how children have the unique ability to savour something so simple yet pleasurable, like an ice cream.
Kade is quite determined to make sure not even the slightest trace of any chocolate coating remains on that stick.
Madam Fluff, far away in her own little bit of chocolate coated, vanilla ice cream paradise.
Are there possibly any words to describe the absolute delight in making the most of a melting, icy orange Popsicle?
Madam Fluff, far away in her own little bit of chocolate coated, vanilla ice cream paradise.Are there possibly any words to describe the absolute delight in making the most of a melting, icy orange Popsicle?Tuesday, 25 March 2008
Unspoken poetry
Finally my moment had arrived.
I ashamedly yet eagerly had been waiting for this moment all day.
It was warm, smooth and embraced my entire body tenderly and softly.
I stole a moment to melt some silky confection, filled with tiny bubbles into my mouth.
I closed my eyes, sank deep into it until silence befalls me and all I could hear was the relaxed beating of my heart and feel the warmth surrounding my face.
I lay there, savouring the moment, the welcome deafening silence.
My body delighting in the joy of this rare and most sought after moment.
Poetry. Silence. Nothingness.
Complete relaxation.
An intruding noise breaks the silence and breaks the spell.
"Hi Honey I'm home. Oh! you're in the bath."
Monday, 24 March 2008
The beach
What an absolutely stunning autumn day here today. First thing this morning I prepared a little picnic basket and we headed off for the beach. Our usual spot was under attack by the gale force winds that we get here and we went in search of a new spot. Found one. Perfect. Quiet, calm and beautiful. The kids had an absolute ball.
Today's title supplied courtesy of Kade, who is so very chuffed that he can spell a little now and write words in the sand that one can actually make sense of. Well done my boy.
Only children can enjoy such really, really icy water. I think I stood in it all of 10 seconds and I temporarily lost the feeling in my feet.
What a beautiful sight. Amid the buzz of life, it is so easy to forget the beauty that surrounds you in your own "back yard". Sunday, 23 March 2008
I need a plan
I am almost always, yeah OK, always, thinking or trying to brainstorm fun ideas to entertain the kids on weekends and holidays. I suppose it's the anal part in me that cannot just let nature take it's course and let the leaves fall where they may; I have to have a plan; Where should we go? What should we do? Where should we eat and what should we eat when we get there? I know, I am tiring myself and then I wonder why I am so finished by the end of the weekend. Have I somehow done my family an injustice by not having planned anything, or at least have the slightest clue of what we could possibly do for entertainment? Surely I have failed miserably if any of them dared come to me complaining of...shht...boredom(whisper). My husband suggested the horror of all horrors..."maybe they could just entertain themselves"..eeekk...I am about to go into convulsions, quickly, someone pass me a paper bag...I admit that maybe, could be, I suppose I could try it. We'll start in baby steps.
I often imagine that I'm on the other side of a dodge ball court with my kids, they're constantly hurling curve balls at me and if I am not prepared, I'm gonna get body slammed; in the same way I feel that if I am not somewhat prepared for a day together, I get slammed. Mom, what are we doing? Mom, where are we going? Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom.....call me anything else today PLEASE; if one more person says the word Mom I think I may just need that paper bag.
Do we bring it on ourselves? Is the stress and inadequacy's we feel, our own doing? Is it our fault as parents that our kids just don't seem to know how to entertain themselves anymore? Do we blame the play centres and restaurants with play areas, for constantly supplying entertainment and not allowing our children to just sit and behave. As kids we didn't dare move from our chairs or utter a word at the table while the grown ups were engaged in conversation or even if they weren't for that matter, you were lucky if you managed to whimper out a small, quick plea for the tomato sauce without getting "the stare". We were seen and not heard and if our folks really had their way, kids weren't seen or heard.
We have had a really fantastic, not perfect (still working on the fact that things can still be good without being perfect), half planned, half not, weekend, as I said..baby steps. We had a full monty, camp out in the garden on Friday night, with all the gear, very cool. Spent an unplanned day at home on Saturday(didn't quite go according to plan though) and a lovely day out with the kids at the Science Centre today, once again, allowing something and someone else to assist in entertaining our children.
Children today are expected to keep up with the Joneses and if the don't, they fall behind; a survival of the fittest, if you will. This means, basically, that we have to keep up with the times and pump them with every conceivable bit of information we can find, but surely we can still stop from time to time, smell the roses and just let them be bored for a few minutes, assuring them of course, that as alien as the experience feels at the time, it actually will pass and will not kill them?
I often imagine that I'm on the other side of a dodge ball court with my kids, they're constantly hurling curve balls at me and if I am not prepared, I'm gonna get body slammed; in the same way I feel that if I am not somewhat prepared for a day together, I get slammed. Mom, what are we doing? Mom, where are we going? Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom.....call me anything else today PLEASE; if one more person says the word Mom I think I may just need that paper bag.
Do we bring it on ourselves? Is the stress and inadequacy's we feel, our own doing? Is it our fault as parents that our kids just don't seem to know how to entertain themselves anymore? Do we blame the play centres and restaurants with play areas, for constantly supplying entertainment and not allowing our children to just sit and behave. As kids we didn't dare move from our chairs or utter a word at the table while the grown ups were engaged in conversation or even if they weren't for that matter, you were lucky if you managed to whimper out a small, quick plea for the tomato sauce without getting "the stare". We were seen and not heard and if our folks really had their way, kids weren't seen or heard.
We have had a really fantastic, not perfect (still working on the fact that things can still be good without being perfect), half planned, half not, weekend, as I said..baby steps. We had a full monty, camp out in the garden on Friday night, with all the gear, very cool. Spent an unplanned day at home on Saturday(didn't quite go according to plan though) and a lovely day out with the kids at the Science Centre today, once again, allowing something and someone else to assist in entertaining our children.
Children today are expected to keep up with the Joneses and if the don't, they fall behind; a survival of the fittest, if you will. This means, basically, that we have to keep up with the times and pump them with every conceivable bit of information we can find, but surely we can still stop from time to time, smell the roses and just let them be bored for a few minutes, assuring them of course, that as alien as the experience feels at the time, it actually will pass and will not kill them?
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