Forgotten promises

It is really weird how life works. Some people call it fate, some call it karma, others like myself, believe that God has us all in the palm of his hand and sends us messages and interventions to help us through life or to teach us lessons in life.

Hubby and I spent the weekend discussing our marriage and whether or not there was anything left to save. Neither of us is entirely happy with life, each other or much of anything right now and we have reached "that" point in our marriage. Do we go forward together or do we call it a day? To make a long story short, we have decided to give it one last try.

Where does God come in you're thinking? Well, I have been invited to a series of scrapbooking evenings, dedicated solely to making a wedding album. I didn't really think too much of it until I spent this afternoon sifting through all my wedding pictures and keepsakes that I had packed away. The things I found and remembered really pulled at my heartstrings; our wedding vows, the order of service in which I had dedicated a poem to Mark, telling him why I wanted to be his bride and finally the letter I had written to him and left on his pillow the night before our wedding day, dedicating my undying love and devotion to him, making promises I fully intended to keep, yet realise I have fallen horribly short. Reading these things and remembering why I married him, why I love him and reminding myself of promises and commitments I made and haven't lived up to. That is where God comes in. Thank you Lord, for choosing a critical time like this, where everything could be falling apart and making me realise why and how I should be working harder at keeping it all together.

What about now?

Above all else

I've sat here a few times in the last week trying to find words to express the way I've been feeling lately and, well, it's been a little too hard. The truth is, the horrible truth, is that my marriage is in serious trouble. I find it really hard to accept that after almost 20 years together it has come to this. One would think that if you have made it this far as a couple then it should be smooth sailing from here on, after all, what more could you go through that hasn't already been tried and tested and boy have we been tried and tested. We always came out on top, but some how, this time it isn't as easy.

I am not going to blame him or accuse him, he has his faults but I am not going to fool anyone by proclaiming to be the perfect wife either, if anything, after reading my posts, you have come to realise that most of me is just downright balmy, intense, anal and at times probably rather annoying. Perhaps those parts of me have become to much for him. Perhaps unconditional love develops conditions and the person you believed to have loved all this time becomes nothing more than an irritation, a burden, who knows.

There are things in my life which I choose not to discuss, perhaps an entry on post secrets would reveal my sadness and pain and rid of it in a web of peoples lies, deceits and deep dark secrets, where it can anonymously slip out of my life and into oblivion. I have no friends to share my pain, this blog is my outlet, my diary, my best friend albeit a quiet, unresponsive, gossip that tells everyone everything, just like people do anyway.

I'm not asking for sympathy, God knows I've contributed to the problems too, I only hope and pray that we can get through this and manage at least convince him that we are worth fighting for.

Home alone

You've got it right, it's the weekend and we're alone again, without Dad. I'm becoming somewhat resentful of the hours and hours and hours he spends at work. At first I started feeling sorry for our children, because they too, appear to be growing up without their father around. I tried at one stage to ensure that time with Dad, when he was at home, was just that; the kids time with Dad and I would take a back seat. Later on I began to feel that something is missing in "us", a distance that just keeps stretching wider and wider.

The "somethings missing" feeling turns into "somethings wrong" feeling, when you reach the point, that even when he is around, you find you have nothing to say to him and any ramblings on about my day to day existence is often dismissed as "bitching". I think the term refered to my life at present is cabin fever. I am not sure what is worse, the fact that this phenomenon exists or the fact that it actually has a name.

I have come to understand the term "even when in a room filled with people, I feel so alone". I try to keeps my spirits lifted and focus on the children but there are those days where even Barney's "we're a happy family" can't fix it and the teddy hospital can't heal the wounds or the hurt and scars they leave behind.

I do understand that supporting a family is a tremendously stressful task in today's age and he does do his utmost to make sure there is food on the table every night and day and for that gift, I am extremely grateful to him. I wish he would see that the gift of love, affection, and most importantly, his time is just as important, yet, somehow seems to elude us.