Evil elves in my cupboard

It has come to my attention that there is either an evil group of tiny elves or tiny group of evil elves living in my cupboard. I haven't actually caught them physically so I can't tell you whether they are evil or tiny or both, but I know that they are there. I am not crazy, yes, I know you find that difficult to believe and from time to time I might appear a little off balance but crazy, no, not yet anyway.

To prove my point let me give you an example; yesterday morning AND this morning I dig in my cupboard for something a little more summery to wear as the dawn of Spring and Summer slowly arises and to my horror of horrors I discover that the clothes are smaller than they were last year! Can you believe it. These little buggers have basically spent most of the winter altering my summer clothes and have made almost every single one of them smaller.

Is that a snicker I hear? Please people this is no joke.

Obviously I cannot make them the same size that they were last summer and a new wardrobe is completely out of the question, so I guess I am going just have to try and lose a few pounds and fit into my newly altered attire. O.K, so getting rid of a few kilo's isn't necessarily a bad thing but jeez you evil little elves, you could have warned me.

Stuff about me.

1. I am the eldest child and only girl.
2. I married my High School Sweetheart, Mark. We have been together for almost 20 years and married for 8 of them.
3. We have three children, a precious yet complicated trio of different personalities.
4. I have had three miscarriages.
5. My ambitions as a child was to either be a teacher or a spy. I am neither.
6. As a child, Princess Diana was my best friend, I adored her, we "chatted" all the time, funny though, I did all the talking!
7. I was a rebellious teenager.
8. I have never taken drugs. Oops, there was that ONE puff of a joint when I was 23, that's all.
9. I spent almost a year in boarding school when I was in Gr. 6. I hated it.
10. I LOVE puddings, forget cake, give me pudding, warm, tummy warming pudding with cream.
11. My hubby and I were born at the same hospital, almost exactly one year apart.
12. I enjoy taking photographs. I am still mastering the art.
13. I enjoy crafts.
14. I put on 30kg's when pregnant with my first child. When he was born I lost 12kg's. I still haven't lost the other 18kg's.
15. I developed pre-eclampsia during my first pregnancy and had to have an emergency C-Section delivery when I was 35 weeks pregnant.
16. My brother, Grant, was killed in a car crash on Woman's Day 1999, two months after he celebrated his 21st birthday.
17. I had my gall bladder removed when I was 19.
18. I love lindt chocolate.
19. I failed matric. I repeated the year and passed the second time.
20. My husband and I shared the most romantic honeymoon in Mauritius.
21. My father was imprisoned for his role in the 1981 Seychelles coup attempt.
22. Losing my family is my greatest fear.
23. I love surprises, giving them and getting them.
24. Manipulative people infuriate me.
25. I know I was born to be rich. and thin.
26. I don't do windows. I hate housework.
27. Summer is my favourite season. Winter provides my favourite foods.
28. In an attempt to be thin and at the same time not deprive myself of food, I tried bingeing and purging.
29. Re. #28. I realised I hate vomiting.
30. My best day ever was my wedding day.

The boycott

It is actually quite amazing how our bodies have a way of communicating with us; many of us choose not to pay attention, but in their own ways, they tell us stuff. Today my body said ENOUGH! I have chosen not to pay much attention to it's desperate pleas for what ever it is desperately pleading for. All I know is, that at the end the day, it boycotted me.

After having spent a better part of the week coordinating my kids' social, sporting and events calendar, getting up to date with admin that was horribly neglected during the holidays as well as my home, that I certain was also about to boycott me, my body told me in no uncertain terms today that it had well and truly had enough.

A dear friend of mine suggested that I attempt to partake in a little activity some Mom's have the privilege of doing; Time Out. Speak English please woman I don't talk foreign!
No, seriously, she is absolutely right, but not only do I need to find this elusive time out thing, it needs to be the ultimate elusive, gym time out thing. I know I am terribly unfit as well as overweight and perhaps that is what my body is trying to tell me. It seems we, (my body and I that is) don't quite speak the same language yet, so I don't always fully understand what it is trying to tell me, however when you've reached 7pm in the evening and you pass out from pure exhaustion on the sofa before your children do (seriously, I was out COLD), I think that is a clear signal from my body to do something about our current state of affairs. (Note to self, see if Kade has done anything about the thin machine yet, perhaps while he's there he can add on an instant gym machine too.)

So, now it seems, that not only do I have the insurmountable task of attending to every body elses needs, it turns out that I have to actually take care of myself too. I mean talk about a system malfunction, has this old body of mine forgotten that we are a mother now and that kind of stuff is passed it's "all about us" sell by date?

I am seriously considering the whole gym thing, I know it sounds horribly like I don't want to do it, when in theory I really do, it is just, like the whole patience thing is a virtue I do not have, time is a thing I doubt I will ever have. The body and I have entered into talks, supporting arguments and negotiations with Mr. Hubby regarding the whole gym thing, so if I don't go.....well then I can blame my fitness woes on him. Stay tuned.

Master Inventor

Kade is my little Picasso, my inventor. Occasionally he reminds me of an absent minded professor; so deep in thought that a hurricane could be raging outside and he would remain locked in his own little world. Talk about a male in his box, it starts really young.

I am amazed at his ability to draw, he has a way of capturing every detail, not missing out a thing, even at his young age. When he is not deep in his world of sketches, he loves to invent machines and contraptions, that often seem really far fetched to me, but hey, the future is bright.

Today he approached me with a very complicated looking sketch and asked me to sit down so that he could explain this machine to me. "You see Mom, you climb in this side here." pointing to an image that resembled a compartment from a space shuttle. "hhmm I see." I reply, squinting and looking very interested. "And then you push this button over here and hold on to those handles over there and then when it is finished and the smoke goes away, you will be thin, and you won't be fat anymore."

WHACK!

I'm caught really unaware on this one, it was a good thing he initially asked me to sit down. I hadn't realised that he was so concerned by my body weight, that he felt it necessary to invent an entire machine in order to help me slim down a touch, OK, a big touch. "Do you think Mommy is fat dear?" I asked regrettably, knowing the innocence and honesty of a child's answer. "Oh, Mom" he laughs "yes, a little bit". "Ouch, let me turn around for a moment while you pull the knife out." He didn't get that one and laughed at me again. I suppose I should be grateful that in his very, too honest, answer, he did mention "just a little bit" or am I hoping for too much and grasping at straws here?

I do recall a while back, driving the kids to school and out of the blue Kade asks me "Mom, you know that special milk you buy to help make you thin?" (My fat free milk) "Yes, dear, what about it?" I reply "Well Mom, I think you need a new one, because that one is not working."
These really are not safe comments to make to your unsuspecting mother while she is driving a car, just by the way.

Perhaps it is time to take a hint, especially when coming from the honest little mouths of babes, but until he does manage to build his masterful invention, I fear I am going to have to attempt to do it the old fashion way, with a different brand of fat free milk of course.