Getting over it

They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Does it? Or in some cases, does it make the bitter old men and women that end up alone, bitchy and spiting everything and everyone; lashing out, to inflict the same kind of pain and hurt on others that they believe they have endured, and in so doing, attempt to use their attacks as a window to their dark and unhappy souls. There are people out there who are hurting deeply, who have been dealt raw deals in the deck of life and that have never been able to recover from it. I have learned to find empathy for these lost souls.

A happening in one person's life, that may insignificantly pass by without a second thought, may make a Crater of an impact to anothers' soul and very being. It is all about being uniquely you, I suppose.

I have suffered a "death" in my life or less dramatically, an ending. I find myself in a state of mourning, regret, wondering what I could have done to make things have turned out differently. The trouble with reflection, is that often we dwell on these regrets too much and it begins to cast that dark shadow of bitterness over our hearts. At what point do we "get over it"? and why is it that some people just can't?

I thought I could just get over it, move on, get a life and stop being so self-pity-ish. Right now, I can't. A part of me, as the result of this "loss", will actually never be the same again. I came to the realisation today that this is going to be with me for the rest of my life and I am going to be constantly reminded of the sacrifices and choices I made that led me to this result. One can always try and pass the buck or play the blame game and believe me I have tried to locate that dodgy little scapegoat. I yearn for a reason to make my misery something or someone else's fault, so that I have something or someone else to lash out at; yet alas, not only do I have to live with my "loss", I have to learn to live with the knowledge that at the end of the day, I did have a choice somewhere along the way and I chose to sacrifice myself, make myself a "martyr", a superwoman, to ensure the well being (or so I believed) of my family.

It is taking longer than I thought to leave my grieving period behind me and move on to the next stage in the process, to hopefully find the acceptance I need to deal with it. I pray that it does not consume me, take over my life and result in *me* becoming that bitchy old lady that finds herself all alone in the world.

I'm going to go and eat some worms now.