Desperate times call for desperate measures.

I have tried to put together in words how absolutely desperate I have been feeling of late. Desperate for some quiet, desperate for some peace, for some solitude. I had put it down to the visit of Scarlet O Hellraiser, yet the more I try to bring some peace into my life the more desperate I find myself feeling. Then the guilt sets in; how can I wish for something other than the beauty and wonder of my beautiful children and family that I have right here with me? How can I be so ungrateful? Then self pity sets in followed by confusion and self loathing.

My husband has spent the better part of the last two months travelling and has spent all of one weekend in the last six at home. The pressure of holding the fort is becoming insurmountable to say the least. When my Mother comes to stay and help it often brings on a mixture of emotions; gratitude for a little assistance and some "grown up" company, however she does not always support or respect my mothering ways and shows it; reprimanding me and debating my disciplining techniques right in front of my children, which results in them getting away with anything, because if Mom says no Granny will more than likely say yes. In my fragile Scarlet O Hellraiser state, I am not able to deal with that. The day usually ends with me driving her home and getting bomb blasted for the entire half hour trip there on what a terrible mother I am, how my children will grow up scarred and abhor me, and I spend the next half hour trip driving back home in tears.

My husband asked what on earth is wrong with me, the answer was a mumbling through sobs and tears. When he finally asked what he can do ....just give me some time out, an hour or two, a day being pampered at a spa and if I can milk it for all I am worth a weekend on a deserted island with a chef, maid and butler waiting on me hand and foot.