Patience is a virtue I do not have

I haven't been able to focus on too much at the moment, I am still trying to come to grips with my soap opera style life that is playing out before me. The only problem with this script is that future episodes are being kept well under wraps and I am taking a little strain amid all the excitement and uncertainty. *John called me back today and I was pleased to at least hear that I have been ruled out as a psycho stalker. He is meeting with our Father this weekend to discuss the details of *me*. I must admit it still concerns me that I may have caused a bit of an upset in what he considered to be his average every day life. It appears that his curiosity of me is as heightened as mine is of him and it irks me slightly that we live in two different cities miles and miles apart.

Truth be told and for those of you who know me, this may come as no surprise; patience is not a virtue that I have been blessed with and having to wait until after the weekend for any news is like suffering a slow death. I have two fears; the first was that he may have passed on (the old man is no longer a spring chicken), thankfully I know now, that is not so and my second fear is my greatest fear; his rejection. I am not sure how I would cope with that. It has taken me so long to finally get this close to having contact with him that to go through all this and have him not want to know me or meet his grandchildren would cut me to the core.

Why do I bother? I am not sure. Why haven't I just forgotten about the person who appears (in my opinion) to have forgotten about me? I don't know. Why am I putting myself through this? I really cannot say. It is just something I have to do, get it over with and out of my system, no matter what the outcome. I fantasize what the outcome may be; the happy reunion, the smiles, the hugs, the I've-waited-so-long-to-see-you-again-my-lost-child, his acceptance, his love. In truth, reality tends to turn on unsuspecting souls and bite like a rabid bitch so I'm trying to teach myself to hope and pray for the best but to possibly expect the worst, that way hopefully the outcome won't end up too disappointing.

*Name has been changed to protect the innocent.