Have you ever wondered why YOU have been chosen to be your husband's spouse and the Mother of that child or those children? Destiny? Why are some people bessed with their families and some cursed (with abusive relastionships, partner or parent)?
I have often wondered why oh why God has allowed me to be a mother and a wife, I don't deserve them and they certainly don't deserve me. It hurts knowing that I'll never be what they need me to be no matter how hard I try. The best intentions are just not good enough. They are just so beautiful and precious and they deserve better.
Showing posts with label split personality. Show all posts
Showing posts with label split personality. Show all posts
Monday, 18 August 2008
Thursday, 06 March 2008
My split personality
From time to time I sit here (in front of my PC) and think, what do I say? or better yet, how do I say it? I have so many things churning away in my head, at times, like a washing machine, sometimes going slowly, careful making sure each item gets a little soap and softener and then other times it is just spinning so fast that to stop the machine at that moment would completely break the cycle and perhaps a few mechanical parts.
I recently read a fellow blogger's notes that put it all into perspective, something in me awoke and said HELLO!! this is what I am talking about, how did you know?? The song "killing me softly" came to mind. Have you been reading my thoughts and then blogging them on my behalf? OK I think not. So I'll try to explain it as best as I can, keeping my "machine", hopefully, on a constant cycle.
I have a split personality. There I said it. There are officially two people living in my brain.
There is Tanya the go-go-girl, the one who is optimistic and full of gusto and spends her time listing over and over again the tasks that need to be set out for the day, the week, the month..it goes on, she doesn't stop, I must, I must, I must sparkle those toilets today, suck the life out that dust lurking in the *entire house*, sing along with Mr. Muscle and KFM on the kitchen floor, have lunch and supper prepared before anybody gets home, have done all her DARLING husband's admin for the day,have it all neatly and prettily prepared and laid out for him to check when he makes "his arrival", upon which she will meet him at the door, with a loving smile and cheerful school girlish giggle, she will run to him and leap into his arms (hopefully without killing him or crushing him) and inform him with love and lust the he is the best thing that she has seen this ENTIRE day. The children will be happy and smiling, gleaming from their baths, hair neatly combed and tummies filled, she will tuck them all into bed, singing and humming beautiful bed time prayers and songs and they will drift off into slumber land with smiles on their cherub faces and have the sweetest of dreams. She will merrily complete the day's tasks leaving the house sparkling clean and fresh for the new day before ravaging her husband in ways that only she knows how and that he likes best!
Right now Tanya the no-no-girl is trying to step in, she is the one who walks into the house after having dropped the kids off in the morning at school, stands at the front door and thinks "shit, this place is a mess!" Bugger! she forgot to pay the school photo's again, does she HAVE to go and sit on the Computer now and finish all that paper work, trying to ignore the little "launch internet explorer browser" icon calling her from the bottom of the desktop. Trying desperately to keep her mind wondering about what every one has been up to on Facebook.
Coffee, coffee, maybe if she has some coffee, things will look a little clearer, then again, if she doesn't go into the kitchen, she won't be reminded of all the breakfast dishes that still need to be washed and the laundry waiting on the kitchen counter, deliberately left there by go-go-girl in the hope that we would do ironing too this morning. How many hours do I have before I have to pick up Snuggle Bug?
"Yes, I know, I heard her, go-go-girl wants to tackle the kids' rooms before they get home, but the little buggers left the smallest little lego's strewn all over both bedrooms, no-no-girl wonders if the vacuum cleaner is strong enough? maybe they won't notice if the lego tub is only half full this afternoon?? Crap, look at the time! Maybe she could get away with throwing all the toys into the toy box for another time when go-go-girl feels it's time to alphabetize the toys again, that could work. No-no-girl is constantly tired, needing more sleep, coffee, tonics, just to stay awake for the day, never mind tackle all the things that need to be tackled, sometimes she wishes that the tasks were real physical things that she COULD tackle and smack them and say YOU SHIT, you made my day hell today, why couldn't you just stay away.
There are times when go-go-girl and no-no-girl reach a compromise, yes there are those times, strained, awkward and with very little said, they co-operate now and again and meet each other half way. Hopefully like now, with 2 and a half hours and counting before we fetch Snuggle Bug.
I recently read a fellow blogger's notes that put it all into perspective, something in me awoke and said HELLO!! this is what I am talking about, how did you know?? The song "killing me softly" came to mind. Have you been reading my thoughts and then blogging them on my behalf? OK I think not. So I'll try to explain it as best as I can, keeping my "machine", hopefully, on a constant cycle.
I have a split personality. There I said it. There are officially two people living in my brain.
There is Tanya the go-go-girl, the one who is optimistic and full of gusto and spends her time listing over and over again the tasks that need to be set out for the day, the week, the month..it goes on, she doesn't stop, I must, I must, I must sparkle those toilets today, suck the life out that dust lurking in the *entire house*, sing along with Mr. Muscle and KFM on the kitchen floor, have lunch and supper prepared before anybody gets home, have done all her DARLING husband's admin for the day,have it all neatly and prettily prepared and laid out for him to check when he makes "his arrival", upon which she will meet him at the door, with a loving smile and cheerful school girlish giggle, she will run to him and leap into his arms (hopefully without killing him or crushing him) and inform him with love and lust the he is the best thing that she has seen this ENTIRE day. The children will be happy and smiling, gleaming from their baths, hair neatly combed and tummies filled, she will tuck them all into bed, singing and humming beautiful bed time prayers and songs and they will drift off into slumber land with smiles on their cherub faces and have the sweetest of dreams. She will merrily complete the day's tasks leaving the house sparkling clean and fresh for the new day before ravaging her husband in ways that only she knows how and that he likes best!
Right now Tanya the no-no-girl is trying to step in, she is the one who walks into the house after having dropped the kids off in the morning at school, stands at the front door and thinks "shit, this place is a mess!" Bugger! she forgot to pay the school photo's again, does she HAVE to go and sit on the Computer now and finish all that paper work, trying to ignore the little "launch internet explorer browser" icon calling her from the bottom of the desktop. Trying desperately to keep her mind wondering about what every one has been up to on Facebook.
Coffee, coffee, maybe if she has some coffee, things will look a little clearer, then again, if she doesn't go into the kitchen, she won't be reminded of all the breakfast dishes that still need to be washed and the laundry waiting on the kitchen counter, deliberately left there by go-go-girl in the hope that we would do ironing too this morning. How many hours do I have before I have to pick up Snuggle Bug?
"Yes, I know, I heard her, go-go-girl wants to tackle the kids' rooms before they get home, but the little buggers left the smallest little lego's strewn all over both bedrooms, no-no-girl wonders if the vacuum cleaner is strong enough? maybe they won't notice if the lego tub is only half full this afternoon?? Crap, look at the time! Maybe she could get away with throwing all the toys into the toy box for another time when go-go-girl feels it's time to alphabetize the toys again, that could work. No-no-girl is constantly tired, needing more sleep, coffee, tonics, just to stay awake for the day, never mind tackle all the things that need to be tackled, sometimes she wishes that the tasks were real physical things that she COULD tackle and smack them and say YOU SHIT, you made my day hell today, why couldn't you just stay away.
There are times when go-go-girl and no-no-girl reach a compromise, yes there are those times, strained, awkward and with very little said, they co-operate now and again and meet each other half way. Hopefully like now, with 2 and a half hours and counting before we fetch Snuggle Bug.
Wednesday, 20 February 2008
Where does a mother go to resign?
I must admit I've been having a little bit of an "off" day, well actually a couple of off days. I have been going through a teenage phase of "I don't want to!".(actually that sounds more like my 3 year old) When my alarm goes off at 5.30 am, I just don't want to get up; I get to the kitchen and just don't want to make breakfast or lunches or fight over who hasn't even taken a bite of their food in the last half an hour it's been in front of them. I don't want to argue over who gets to put the toothpaste on the toothbrushes or which shoes go with that outfit or who gets to sit in front in the car. Every day we pretty much follow the same routine and have the same arguments and fights every day, it's become almost like clockwork. I'm tired of playing seargent major 24/7.
I am actually not really sure if I'm just too uptight, I must admit I can be a bit of a perfectionist. I absolutely love my family to bits, but surely any normal mother needs some place or time to just get away and say no! I don't want to.
Mark and I recently had a bit of an argument about "time out". I had asked him to please be home at a specific time one Friday afternoon so that I could take Kade to the Youth group at our church. Low and behold if I don't call him 15 min before he's supposed to be home and he's sitting in a pub around the corner. To make a long story short, if possible, he accused me of only allowing him "time out" when it suited me and my daily schedule, admittedly I would prefer it if he came home after work, helped out as much as he felt he could and have the rest of the night off once the kids were in bed. This clearly did not suit him. I threw one straight back saying that I am only allowed to take time off when it suits all of them and lets just for a moment imagine the chaos if I were to decide right here and now to just walk out the door and go shopping because it was convenient for me at the time and, well, stuff all of you!!
I suppose what gets me down is that while he is able to get up and go on a whim, because I am always there, but it becomes a different story when the tables are turned. In order for me to plan a night out , I have to make sure he's actually going to be in town; make sure that he doesn't have any plans and then I usually make sure the kids are all bathed, fed, and almost put to bed before I try to leave.
While being a mom and wife is my top priority and as my own mother reminds me ..constantly... a mother's job is to sacrifice, put a smile on your dial and just get on with it without complaining, because that might push him away and then he'll look elsewhere......Although life and love will always come with sacrifice, I still can't help wondering if being a mother and wife means having to sacrifice your entire being until you no longer know who you are, what you enjoy anymore and wake up to realise you don't have a friend in the world because you've sacrificed them all.
There are certainly days when you wouldn't trade your life or your family for anything in the entire world and then there are days where you stop and think , hold on, please tell me where did I actually sign up for this, stop the bus please, it's just going too fast.
To make a long story even shorter, I'm really tired and would just love a day off, to go out and spend a day being pampered and spoilt, doing what ever I please and then of course coming home to my happy brady bunch, a spotlessly clean house and a three course dinner.
I am actually not really sure if I'm just too uptight, I must admit I can be a bit of a perfectionist. I absolutely love my family to bits, but surely any normal mother needs some place or time to just get away and say no! I don't want to.
Mark and I recently had a bit of an argument about "time out". I had asked him to please be home at a specific time one Friday afternoon so that I could take Kade to the Youth group at our church. Low and behold if I don't call him 15 min before he's supposed to be home and he's sitting in a pub around the corner. To make a long story short, if possible, he accused me of only allowing him "time out" when it suited me and my daily schedule, admittedly I would prefer it if he came home after work, helped out as much as he felt he could and have the rest of the night off once the kids were in bed. This clearly did not suit him. I threw one straight back saying that I am only allowed to take time off when it suits all of them and lets just for a moment imagine the chaos if I were to decide right here and now to just walk out the door and go shopping because it was convenient for me at the time and, well, stuff all of you!!
I suppose what gets me down is that while he is able to get up and go on a whim, because I am always there, but it becomes a different story when the tables are turned. In order for me to plan a night out , I have to make sure he's actually going to be in town; make sure that he doesn't have any plans and then I usually make sure the kids are all bathed, fed, and almost put to bed before I try to leave.
While being a mom and wife is my top priority and as my own mother reminds me ..constantly... a mother's job is to sacrifice, put a smile on your dial and just get on with it without complaining, because that might push him away and then he'll look elsewhere......Although life and love will always come with sacrifice, I still can't help wondering if being a mother and wife means having to sacrifice your entire being until you no longer know who you are, what you enjoy anymore and wake up to realise you don't have a friend in the world because you've sacrificed them all.
There are certainly days when you wouldn't trade your life or your family for anything in the entire world and then there are days where you stop and think , hold on, please tell me where did I actually sign up for this, stop the bus please, it's just going too fast.
To make a long story even shorter, I'm really tired and would just love a day off, to go out and spend a day being pampered and spoilt, doing what ever I please and then of course coming home to my happy brady bunch, a spotlessly clean house and a three course dinner.
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